Back when I was attending the University of Texas at Austin, I owned a little bulldog that I named “Glen Bell.” Don’t ask me why I named my bulldog “Glen Bell.” I’m not sure why I did. I think, perhaps, I was exceedingly drunk on wine at the time that I was picking out a name. Consuming excess amounts of wine has always impeded my ability to make sensible choices when it comes to giving names to things. I actually have a long history of drinking large quantities of wine (or, sometimes martinis) and then picking out really ridiculous names for things. It’s a bizarre phenomenon — one which has hounded me since childhood.
Anyhoo — this little bulldog of mine, Glen Bell, (no relation to that Glen Bell) was a funny little thing. I had actually purchased him in New York City, a year prior to beginning my stint at the University of Texas at Austin. I purchased him, as a puppy, from a man that went by the name Arnold Schwarzenegger — and, no, not that Arnold Schwarzenegger. As it would be, Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn’t actually this man’s real name at all, but merely a pseudonym he had adopted. His real given birth-name was actually Miley Cyrus — and, no, not that Miley Cyrus! A different one altogether. At least… that’s what I remember his name as being. It was a while ago now, so I could be in error. …maybe it was Adrian Peterson? I don’t quite remember now. And, no, not that Adrian Peterson… if that, indeed, was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s real name and it wasn’t actually Miley Cyrus at all. Well, whatever his actual name was, he now went by the name of Arnold Schwarzenegger. So, for the purposes of this story, let us just go with that and just assume that his real, actual name was really David Ortiz (and, no, not that David Ortiz) Ok? Ok! Fine. Good.
Arnold’s own dog, a Labrador Retriever, had recently given birth to a litter of pups and, don’t ask me how it happened, but this litter included four small Labrador Retriever puppies of both the yellow and black variety, and one tiny, little Bulldog! Now, I know what you’re likely thinking: ‘Man! You’re really fucked up! That’s impossible! Labarodor Retrievers can’t give birth to Bulldog puppies! Asshole!’ Well, if you are thinking that, I’m sure you’ll be surprised to find out that you’re absolutely wrong! You see, that’s what I once thought as well. In fact, I was sure of it. However, as the cosmic forces of serendipity would have it, a short while after acquiring Glen Bell, my little Bulldog puppy, I happened to run into a man on a street corner while I was downtown one afternoon attempting to locate a vendor from which I could purchase a discount pumpkin, and while also engaging in my new hobby of keeping up with the Kardashians while wearing a SpongeBob SquarePants costume.
Now, this man, whom I had met on this particular street corner, found himself to be both taken and impressed by my SpongeBob SquarePants costume and just how expertly I appeared to be keeping up with the Kardashians while wearing it. He introduced himself as Cristiano Ronaldo, (no, not that Cristiano Ronaldo) and the two of us began in on some light and pleasant conversation. A number of topics were discussed and, during the course of our conversation, I happened to mention my recent purchase of Glen Bell, my tiny Bulldog pup. I expressed to Cristiano my absolute skepticism regarding the likelihood of a Bulldog puppy being born to a Labrador Retriever bitch and made known to Cristiano my suspicions regarding the veracity of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s story. I suspected that Arnold was lying about the entire situation, and that Glen Bell had actually been thrown by entirely different mother — a Bulldog mother, of course.
To my surprise, however, Cristiano Ronaldo informed me — right there on the spot — that while Bulldog puppies being born to Labrador Retriever parents was indeed a rare occurrence, it is, nevertheless, not entirely unheard of. As you can imagine, however, I was then immediately skeptical regarding this assertion of Cristiano’s.
“I don’t believe you!” I informed him.
However, this Cristiano Ronaldo character, whom I had just met, immediately informed me in return that he, “Seriously knows his shit about dogs and whatever.” Well, I had no rational grounds for skepticism now! Not after having been given the word of a confirmed expert on such matters! And, as you can imagine, I am sure, I was utterly astonished! I had never known that such a bizarre occurrence would ever be possible — that a Labrador Retriever could actually give birth to a Bulldog puppy! Does the universe know no end to its own wonders? Little Glen Bell, my amazing new Bulldog puppy, was truly a living marvel — such a rare specimen indeed! And, as it should go without saying, this new information I had acquired regarding the miraculous specialness of little Glen Bell entirely evacuated from my thoughts any and all traces I had ever entertained, or would ever again entertain, of cooking him and eating him! Little Glen Bell was now known to me to be far too much of a rarity for that sort of nonsense!
As if I needed any further confirmation as to the veracity of Glen Bell the Bulldog’s miraculous origins exactly as Arnold Schwarzenegger had related them to me, Cristiano Ronaldo went on to inform me that he was either certain that Albert Einstein himself (yes, that Albert Einstein) had once written a paper, or else he had dreamed it one night after downing several Bloody Mary cocktails at an all-night “The Legend of Korra” screening party which took place on All Hallow’s Eve in lower Manhatten, which specifically explained the physical mechanisms at work which sometimes facilitated the birthing of Bulldog Puppies by Labrador Retriever bitches. In this paper, Cristiano Ronaldo explained, Albert Einstein theorized that an antibacterial gravity spike occurring in the Pacific Rim and brought about by a corporate merger between Duke Energy and JPMorgan Chase, had resulted in conditions conducive to such happenings and goings on, and whatnot. It sounded perfectly reasonable to me. And, if Albert Einstein said Arnold Schwarzenegger was telling the truth, then brother, Arnold Schwarzenegger was telling the truth, by God!
So, there you have it, dear readers! The story of the strange birth of my little Bulldog puppy Glen Bell, and how I came to acquire him. I’m sure, after reading this account, you’re just as stunned and amazed as I was upon learning that our strange and magnificent universe is capable of manifesting such oddities of nature. And, I can assure you that every word I have written above is either entirely true, or the result of the excessive consumption of Paracetamol washed down with a mint julep or two… or, three… along with a Mai Tai, or a couple. Of course, I have changed the names of the people appearing in this story —you know? To protect the innocent and what have you. My apologies, however, if some of the substitute names I chose to use may have seemed somewhat odd. I’ve been drinking rather a lot of wine this evening.