For much of the twentieth century, and early twenty-first century, the ever increasing popularity in the act of doughnut bathing has proved to be one of the most disturbing problems facing modern, western society. In 2012, the Lichtenberg Association for the Regulation of Dietary Accumulation of Sugary Snacks (LARDASS) released the results of a ten year study which showed that, in recent years, the trend of doughnut bathing had reached truly epic and dangerous proportions — especially throughout minority communities.
No longer was the act of doughnut bathing restricted to the seedy, far away, out of sight and out of mind, brothels and bordellos of Iceland’s northern provinces– where the practice had originally begun back in the early part of the twentieth century. By at least the later half of he twentieth century, the practice had moved into the private bathrooms of inner-city, American households. How, exactly, could a single baked confection, so loved and entirely unabused by the world’s population at large, touch off an epidemic that continues to ravage the urban populations of today?
With a truly gigantic number of people still suffering from this terrible addiction, doughnut bathing continues to be a foremost problem in the efforts to control the widespread abuse of sugary confections. Due to a deadly combination of both extreme tastiness and reasonable affordability, doughnut bathing swiftly became the pass time of choice for countless people. The undeniable lure of a jelly glazed, the tempting seduction of an old-fashioned plain, the irresistible aroma of a fresh maple-dipped– these proved to be qualities too tempting for many of today’s young and old alike.
According the the most reliable and widely accepted research among professionals in the field, the act of doughnut bathing now accounts for more than 63% of all desert-food abuses, and as much as 80% of all such abuses among minority groups. And, the numbers appear to be rising. In 2011 alone, the reported number of doughnut bathing related hospital emergencies rose by more than 35%. The trend is alarming, indeed. It is now estimated that by 2015, one in four of all urban youths will have bathed in donuts by the time they reach adulthood.
Beginning in the later half of the 1990s, some investigators began to put forth theories that the CIA, and other even more clandestine government groups, were a major contributing factor to the shocking rise of the doughnut bathing epidemic that was now spreading across the nation. Accusations toward these groups centered around secret involvements with underground baking cartels, and even possibly to direct involvement in, and the operations of, active and surreptitious doughnut promotion to the public. The exact extent of the involvement on the part of such groups remains a topic of much dispute. However, in the spring of 2007, the Bush Administration did release an official report which admitted to the existence of some actual connections between certain government agencies and a number of baking cartels being run out of central America back in the early 1980s. The report argued that the connections were limited to such a degree that they could not be reasonably construed as having any negative effects on the American population. In the report, the involvement was justified as being necessary to the interests of national security, due to intelligence gathered which predicted a possible upcoming global shortage of active dry yeast.
The future remains to be seen, but whatever it holds in store, it’s certain that the doughnut bathing epidemic will likely not be leaving us anytime soon. Academics stress the need for education in combating the trend. And, some politicians have called for stricter regulation and harsher penalties for those engaging in and facilitating such abuses. Only time will tell.
UPDATE – 02/04/13: Disturbing photos recently obtained by ReallyWeirdThings.Com provides evidence that doughnut bathing continues among today’s youth: