Lester Cheese on the Lives of Eskimos

Back when I was living for a short time in Shaleadelphiville, Minnesota, I worked with a guy that went by the name Lester Cheese. If you’ve never been to, or don’t know of, Shaleadelphiville (Pronounced: Shale-ah-del-fee-ville by the locals), you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. The place is a hell hole. Although, they do have one of the better indoor shopping malls that I’ve ever visited.

But, I’m getting somewhat sidetracked. This story isn’t about Shaleadelphiville. It’s about Lester Cheese. You see, Lester was an urban shaman of sorts — a truly great and very original thinker. The profundity of thought that Lester seemed to come up with, constantly, and almost always entirely out of the blue, was astounding. I’m serious! It would astound you. It really would. For instance, Lester and I were sitting in my apartment one night drinking beer and watching old re-runs of “Open all Night” starring George Dzundza and Sam Whipple on television. Out of the blue, and after a long period of neither of us talking, Lester just up and says the following:

“Eskimos, man! Have you ever thought about Eskimos? Those stupid fucks! Although, of course, I hear that you’re not supposed to call them Eskimos. The preferred term is Inuit, or some shit. But, fuck it, man. I call them Eskimos. But, did you ever think about the ancient Eskimos? Like, the ones that were here, living way up north before the white-man ever showed up on this continent? Man! They lived this crazy, cold existence; trying to spear seals through holes they carved in the ice and shit, and building little snow houses they called ‘igloos’ that they would huddle together in, trying to keep warm. It was cold as fuck for them and it must have sucked. Like, I mean it must have sucked royal donkey balls! Have you ever seen the clothes they made? Huge and bulky like a motherfucker, man!

So, here are all of these Eskimos freezing their damned asses off, trying to find food in this sub-sub-zero ice covered, wind swept wasteland, day in and day out, struggling through this miserable, cold existence; trying to keep their damned sled-dogs alive. It must have sucked, man! It must have sucked worse than anything we can imagine. I mean, we’re in Minnesota, man, and when the winter weather starts coming in everybody starts bitching and moaning like it’s the end of the world or something. And, winter in Minnesota aint shit compared to what those Eskimos lived through — every damned day, man. Day in and day out.

But, here’s the thing, when you think about it. There was nothing really keeping them there, was there? I mean, they were totally free. They could do anything they wanted. So, why did they stick around? All they had to do was just start walking south, man. That’s all they had to do — just start walking south. They didn’t have jobs and bills to pay and that kind of shit — there was nothing keeping them there. They could have, if they wanted to, just started walking south and eventually they would have hit better weather. I mean, dammit, man! They could have walked all the way to fucking Florida if they wanted to. It wasn’t like there was any immigration laws back then, or border checkpoints, or any of that shit. There was nothing stopping them from walking straight to fucking Mexico, or on to the motherfucking equator.

So, why didn’t they move south? I’ll tell you why, dammit! It’s because they didn’t know. Those stupid bastards thought that the barren, frozen, shitty-assed wasteland they lived in was what the entire world was like. As far as they knew, no matter how far they walked, it would just be more of the same. That was their world, man. They knew of no other and had no clue that any part of the world could be different than the part they lived in. So, there was no reason for them to go anywhere. As far as they knew, their current situation was as good as it got — any-fucking-where. Those stupid bastards had absolutely no idea that all they had to do was to just start walking south, and, down there was fucking Florida, man. Fucking Florida! They were clueless.

So, you know what, man? Fuck the Eskimos, man. To hell with them. I have no sympathy. It was their own ignorance that kept them freezing their asses off. If they would have just thought outside the box a little bit and gone where the evidence didn’t lead, you know, just for the hell of it, they could have been sunning themselves on fucking beaches instead of living in their cold, shitty igloos an wearing their giant, heavy-assed clothes.

But, it makes you think, though. Doesn’t it? Maybe, just a stone’s throw away from here, speaking on a cosmic scale of course, maybe there’s another dimensional reality that exists where there’s no death and no suffering and everything’s just awesome all the time? And, exactly what it is that would be required of us to leave this shitty existence and get to that one is something that’s entirely within our abilities right now and we could completely achieve, but we just don’t know it. We just don’t know that particular reality is out there, and we have no clue as to what we have to do in order to get there. So, we stay here, in our miserable existence, complaining about everything, thinking this is all there is and that this is as good, more or less, as it gets.

Hell! Maybe all we have to do is to just die, and that’s where we end up? We just die and we end up in the awesome-Florida reality? I bet that’s probably it too. We’ve got to do what most of us fear more than anything — die. And, once we do, we see that we’re in this idyllic place and that death wasn’t actually any kind of a big deal at all. And, everybody in this new place is all standing around saying “Ah, shit, man! If I’d have known, I would have offed myself years ago. Fuck, man, I can’t believe I didn’t know! I’m such an idiot!”

Think about that, man. Really think about it. The next time one of those rabid Atheist dip-shits tells you there’s nothing after a person dies, tell him that Florida didn’t exist for the Eskimos either, man. And, imagine it, man. Back then, in the time of the ancient Eskimos, there were probably these Eskimo atheist jack-asses whining about shit — there was probably like a Richard Dawkins Eskimo, or a Sam Harris Eskimo, or some shit, and they were all like: “Yo! Other Eskimos, listen up you stupid bastards! That great polar bear god that you dumb motherfuckers pray to? Yeah, doesn’t exist, guys. You know how I know? What kind of god would create an entire world that was nothing but snow and ice and was all cold and shitty all the time? What kind of a god would create an entire world where we had to wear these stupid-ass giant jackets and mitts and boots and shit, otherwise our nuts would freeze off? Think about it, guys. The reason everything is cold and shitty is because nobody created it. It just happened this way. It just happened all cold and shitty like this. There is no polar bear god, you dumb fucks. That’s logic, motherfuckers!” And, the whole time this asshole was saying all this shit, all any of them had to do was just start walking south. But, none of them knew it.”

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