Michael Kopflos, 33, it seems, met a hilarious fate last Thursday evening. While strolling along Senzatesta Blvd. around midnight, Koplfos experienced the extreme misfortune of meeting with his untimely death during an uproarious laughing fit. Due to this most bizarre of circumstances, Kopflos is sure to enter medical journals as the first person ever known to actually be decapitated by laughter.
The unusual happening occurred when a quite inebriated Kopflos happened to witness an irate Julia Sint kick her, now, ex-boyfriend, Thomas Varlata directly in the groin. Kopflos had been walking with his friend Diane Zeuge, when the incident took place.
“At first, Michael only seemed slightly amused by the whole thing,” reported Zeuge, “but then he started, like, laughing harder and harder, you know? Then, I said something like ‘Oh! She nailed him right in the potatoes!’ and Michael just burst into this crazy laughing fit. His face turned all red, then blue, and he looked like he was in pain, or trouble, or something. I thought maybe he was choking, so I went to hit him on the back, but before I got to him, his whole head just exploded! It was the most horrible thing I ever saw. I can’t believe he’s gone.”
Zeuge, however, may soon have more to worry about, as local police are investigating the case and haven’t ruled out manslaughter charges. It has been rumored that at least one witness has come forward and claims they saw Zeuge actually strike Kopflos on the back just prior to his head blowing off.
Detective Norman Undersoke was the first officer on the scene and he suspects there might have been some foul play involved. “This bitch, Zeuge, really isn’t that funny. I mean, think about it for crying out pete’s sake! Do you think what she said was funny enough for some son of a bitch’s head to pop clean off, for crying out pete’s sake? And, is it really that funny seeing some asshole getting hoof-slammed in the jiz-pouch by his girlfriend? It’s just not that funny. Jeez! Use some cotton picking common sense for crying out pete’s sake!”
Charges have yet to be laid pending the outcome of the full investigation. Both Julia Sint and Thomas Varlata declined to be interviewed for this article.
And, in other news:
Twelve angry fishermen caught a baby sea-lion off the coast of Cape Ragu today. Reportedly, their immediate instinct was to club the thing to death on the deck of their boat, “Just for giggles”, as one of the fishermen later said. However, after offering it a shot of rum in a humanitarian gesture in order to dull the pain of the righteous beating it was about to receive, the fishermen were stunned to actually hear the small sea-lion speak English and beg for its life.
The fishermen were, understandably, aghast. Each of them immediately recognized that such a miraculous and unique animal could not be done away with in a brutal beating. Instead, the fishermen slit the throat of the animal and proceeded to cut it up into precise sections in order to facilitate accurate measurement of the sea-lion’s entire form. The sections were taken to the Ragu Institute of Science and scanned into a computer using a very high-tech and uber-sciency modern device. From the data collected, perfectly accurate scale-model replicas of the sea-lion were then made. The replicas will go on sale later this season. They will be sold through mail-order ads that are scheduled to begin appearing in the backs of comic books.