Are you like most people in your particular situation today? Are you constantly trying to find fresh, bizarre, random and/or really weird things to say to people? Relax! You’re not alone. Recent scientific studies have shown that more than a few people, but certainly not less than not so many, self-identify as being in exactly your predicament. Many of your very own fellow earthling are, right this minute, desperately searching for really weird things to say to people.
For this reason — and due to the truly unfathomable level of compassion possessed by the majority of staff-members here at ReallyWeirdThings.Com — we have decided to provide you, the person lacking in really weird things to say to people, an extensive, well researched, inspired, entertaining, awe inspiring, not entirely humorless, pretty cool, somewhat funky, extensive, well researched, inspired and entertaining list of really weird things to say to people. Along with these things, we hope this list will also prove to be not entirely humorless, pretty cool and somewhat funky. If it isn’t, however, then oh well. How much did you pay for it? Nothing? Well, then quit your complaining! I suppose you would have no problem locating a better entirely free list of 100 really weird things to say to people? Yeah, that’s what I thought!
This list is meant to be taken and used in the spirit and time honored tradition of ‘blurting something out to someone whom you have just met for the first time, or who is a total stranger’ routine as practiced in the ancient cultural traditions of the Doop-Doop islanders inhabiting the lower southern regions of the Jingy-M’auk-Jingy atoll, located off the eastern coast of Fernando-Poo. So, imagine that you’ve just been introduced to someone for the very first time. They know practically nothing about you. Preferably, at the time, you are engaged in an overt act of extreme cisvestism, and out of nowhere you just up and blurt out one of the suggestions from this list.
So, without further ado, here is our list of really weird things to say to people:
10 Really Weird Things to Say to People:
- Eggs are incredibly bad for rabbits. It messes up their radar.
- I like your shoes, friend. How many Polynesian slave traders did it take to paint those things? Damn!
- Pizza contains messages from the government. Only the ones with pepperoni though. The pizza, I mean. Not the government.
- I can’t get my fingers to stop doing things. You ever have that problem?
- (Leaning in and whispering) Don’t tell anyone… (pause) …but I’ve flown in one of them newfangled airplanes.
- I just came from the Doctor. My test results are in. He says there’s a good chance I might be a king, or a prince or something.
- Sorry if I seem a little out of it. I didn’t get any sleep last night. I found out my coffee maker was keeping secrets about me.
- I’m really excited. I just bought a new car. But, you can’t look in the trunk. I don’t want you to look in the trunk. Ok? Don’t look in the trunk. I’ll show you the car, but you can’t look in the trunk. Got it?
- It’s good to meet you! I’ve heard a lot about you. I hope my fish doesn’t explode.
- So, you’re a friend of (insert friend’s name), huh? Me too! I have a disease. I got it from a newspaper. So, what do you do for a living?
10 More Really Weird Things to Say to People
- My name’s Barney Rubble. I’m an actor. Perhaps you’ve seen some of my work? Actually, I’m lying. My name’s Barney Rubble and I’m an actor. No. Barney Rubble. Wait.. what? Barney Rubble. Yes, Barney Rubble. Uh… no.
- Pleased to meet you! Unfortunately, I’m not Asian. But, I don’t know why that should matter. What’s wrong with you?
- Whoah! It’s good to finally meet you! You gonna gimme some o’ dat sauce, baby? (no matter what they say in response, interrupt them as soon as they begin talking by yelling: I SAID GIVE UP THE SAUCE, FUCKER!!!)
- (When in conversation with someone, no matter what you say, append the word “sexy” in a whisper to the end of every statement.)
- I can see through bananas.
- I’ve just recently read a list of really weird things to say to people. It was on the internet. I believe it was written by the President.
- In France, a wrist-watch costs the same as a chicken. I saw that on TV.
- A scientist told me that I have a super-brain and it probably weighs a lot. I should eat more cheese.
- Man, to hell with saxophones! I’ve had enough of saxophones! You with me? They taste like failure and they make terrible pets! Am I right? Yeah, YOU know what I’m talkin’ about!
- Shampoo doesn’t come in flavors. You can get different scents, but not flavors. Makes no sense to me.
Bonus 10 Really Weird Things to Say to People
- I was arrested once for vehicular sodomy. Burned my lips, man. (shake head) Burned my lips.
- Why does your neck keep doing that?
- (Leaning in close and whispering) It’s ok. I know your true identity. Your secret is safe with me.
- Have you been watching the news? Man! God came on the news and told everyone that we should lick rodents! …or, did I dream that?
- I’m not sure if you know this, but there appears to be a very small man living in your eye. (Lean in close and stare into eye) Oh GOD! He’s masturbating!
- Dogs are always naked.
- Dude! We’ve totally met before. I know it! I remember you! You used to bang my sister. Remember her? She had a gun.
- (Leaning in and whispering) Umm, this is a little embarrassing, but I can hear your penis.
- I’ve decided to replace all of the furniture in my house with numbers.
- I’m hungry. Would you like to feed me?
Yet Another 10 Really Weird Things to Say to People
- The aroma of your despair fills my senses with a lust for the exquisite desire to obacerate myself.
- I make masks. I’m a maker of masks. That’s what I do. Want to fight about?
- Hey there, chum! Good to meet you, chum! Chum, chum, chum! What’s that on your neck? It’s a pleasure to meet you, chum! Chum, chum, chumly, chum! We’re friends now, or no?
- Please excuse my hair. Aliens did it.
- I’m honored to meet you. Do you like sports? I root for all the local professional sports outfits. How about you? Must… go… now… energy… running… low. Whoa, SNAP! I’m back. Sorry about that. Sometimes that happens. Nothing to worry about.
- I’m currently writing my doctoral thesis on who put the bomp in the bomp, bah-bomp, bah-bom.
- I’m sorry, but I have recently consumed a rather large amount of LSD and I will not be able to fluidly converse with you. Please excuse any peculiar behavior I may engage in.
- You seem like a swell sort of person. I hope you don’t like peaches. If you like peaches, I shall have to hate you. It is required by the supreme overseer.
- Do you own a radio? (as soon as they begin to answer, calmly say: “Smash it.” As soon as they begin to speak again, yell: SMASH IT!)
- What’s your stance on the current political climate? (no matter how they answer, respond with:) In the last election I voted for my shoes.
10 More Entirely Different Really Weird Things to Say to People
- It’s good to meet you. I want you to tickle it. (no matter how they reply, respond with:) I want you to tickle it. (when they respond again, answer with:) I know you know what I mean. I want you to tickle it!
- Science says the moon is made of demons.
- On TV last night there was this guy who said that some foreign countries have banned the sale of sports-jackets. I think it was God.
- When my Grandmother was born, Jesus was President.
- (Without pausing to let the other person answer:) It’s good to meet you. I’m real good at things. Do you want to look through my cell-phone? I can draw you a picture if you’d like. What’s your name? I’m hungry. Let’s go get us some cheese fries. Can my friend come? Where is he? Did you take my friend? It’s good to meet you. Are you hungry?
- Back in the seventies the space program was blowed up by the Russians. Not a lot of people know that.
- Jokes are just not funny unless they contain a reference to poo-poo.
- Damn! I hate this shirt. It whispers dark and evil things to me when we’re alone. I should have never worn it!
- You look kind of like a friend of mine. You haven’t taken his soul, have you? Because I have no vanilla beans on me with which to make an offering.
- (No matter what someone is talking about, stop them in mid sentence by sternly saying:) You’re making me nervous, Pumpkin-Pete! (No matter how they react, repeat it.)
Still Another 10 Really Weird Things to Say to People
- God speaks to us in visual symbology through the ancient art of Spirograph.
- Dictionaries contain the common usage of words, not necessarily the correct usage. Don’t you know from school and shit, you crazy butter-farmer?
- I’m not a good shot or anything, but I’ve killed a few groundhogs in my day.
- Hi. I’m not sure if I like you yet. Can I smell your knees?
- Can I have some of your teeth to use for a song I’m writing? I need molars especially.
- Brown clothes are what the Devil wants you to wear.
- I have a theory that the United States was born in outer space.
- I ate a lot of pills this morning. So far, nothing.
- This body I’m inhabiting has a strange feeling of emptiness inside of it. Where may I obtain items of nourishment?
- When an animal dies, its soul goes to heaven where its torn apart by machinery and dispersed amongst the multitudes so that they too might feed.
Unbelievably, an ADDITIONAL 10 Really Weird Things to Say to People
- Are you real? Like, a real person? I’ll know it if you lie to me.
- Hey! It’s great to finally meet you! (pause) I’ll need a urine sample.
- Please excuse me if I don’t shake your hand, but right now there’s urine and feces inside of you.
- Well, hi! It’s great to meet you. I can eat six cupcakes. (No matter how they respond, interrupt them with:) I CAN EAT SIX MOTHER FUCKING CUP CAKES!
- I’ve had a small rabbit surgically implanted into my scrotum. My favorite is when it hops up and down.
- I used to be the president of the Navy.
- This jacket I’m wearing is made from the broken dreams of impoverished children. Got it on eBay.
- If you win the lottery, they come and kill you soon after. There was a documentary about it.
- When I was a small child my Mom took me to the Doctor and he said I have special powers. That Doctor is now a big-time soap opera star!
- It wasn’t until just this morning that I found out I even have a septum!
Incredibly, yet ANOTHER 10 Really Weird Things to Say to People
- Paradoxically, China can be found on the inside of my nose.
- It’s good to meet you, but I will block all attempts to beam lies into my brain. So, don’t even try.
- My Dad was a scientist. He invented a few colors and shit. Made us rich.
- It’s great to finally meet you! I’d love to watch you and your wife make out.
- I think it’s probably not good to strangle hookers.
- When I went to school, the school would take the kid’s lunch money and invest it whether we wanted them to or not. But, when we graduated each of us received beach front property in Spain. True story.
- If ever I move to a new city I’m required by law to register my address with the local Police department because my father was a wizard.
- I think your chin may have come loose.
- Hi! It’s good to finally meet you! This must be a great honor for you.
- Sometimes I wish I had extra toes so I could type faster.
This is getting ridiculous, but here’s 10 MORE Really Weird Things to Say to People
- A refrigerator ain’t nuthin’ but a jam-jar that’s been left out in the rain overnight. Think about it! Really think about it, man!
- People might think I’m crazy, but I say two nipples are way more than enough!
- I keep a pet toothbrush. The government didn’t want me to, but they gave me special permission after I signed a statement promising I wouldn’t kill anyone with it. His name is Herb.
- I’m currently in talks with some big-wig television producers. They want to make a reality show about my winkle-do.
- Wow. Can I have your shirt? (No matter how they reply, respond with:) Your shirt. Give it to me or suffer the consequences. (No matter how they respond to that, close your eyes tightly, make two fists, hold them up to your temples, and make repetitive growling noises. After a few seconds, stop and calmly say:) Can I have your shirt now?
- There’s a major corporation that’s going around buying up words to use in a secret vaccination program. If you own any words that they want you can make a killing. I made up the word ‘glumfiggledurpification.’ I hope they’re interested.
- In Saskatchewan there is a weird law that forbids people from eating cherries while on a boat. Anyone found guilty of doing that is immediately shot through the eye. I saw it on the internets.
- Do you want to know something really funny to say to someone? ‘Boobul-stobbul-nik-nik-boosh-frombul-libbel-libbel-nik-nik’. Funny, huh? My uncle told that to me. He used to be a professional joke write before he went into politics. His name is Fantabulous-Henry.
- It’s not something I’m proud of, but I once ate a toy car just to collect the insurance money.
- My friend Terry always has watermelons at his place. So, one day, I says to Terry, I says: Terry, what’s with you and watermelons? And, you know what he said? He said ‘I like watermelon.’ I couldn’t believe it! I immediately phoned the police. I did the right thing, though, I think. I know I did the right thing.
We’re saddened to say: This is the last 10 Really Weird Things to Say to People
- If I could be any kind of rabbit, I think I’d be the kind that’s made out of sea-water.
- I tried to be a pirate, but you gotta go to school for that shit!
- On the days when I’m taller than normal, I feel as though nothing can stop me. Some days I’m short though, and that’s a drag.
- I hope this doesn’t sound too forward, but how would you feel about sending me swanky pornographies on my phone?
- I’m starting to become a little worried about my sanity. I think I’m slowly developing an irrational fear of wearing shoes. But, it only seems to be when I’m around midgets. So, maybe I’m ok.
- I’d be honored if you’d consider licking my teeth.
- There aren’t any safe and sound capital cities where you can buy a decent air mattress without being forcibly fondled by retired cartoon characters. I’ve checked. There just aren’t any.
- Would you like to come over to my place some time and help me dig some holes in my coffee table?
- If I could make one wish, I’d wish I could turn my foot inside out. ‘Cause I bet that would really impress the ladies.
There you have it! A full 100 really weird things to say to people!
Here’s an idea: Why don’t you pick at least three of the items from the above list of 100 really weird things to say to people and film yourself saying them to complete strangers, or to someone whom you’ve just met, upload it to Youtube and send us the link? We’ll pick the best one out of everyone’s submissions and send you some free crap if you win. You wont know what it is you’ll be getting, but it’ll probably be fairly decent. But, then again, it very likely may not. And, the deadline for submitting entries ends whenever the hell we say it does. So, get to work making those videos! When you’ve got it uploaded to Youtube e-mail us at [email protected] and give us the URL.
Do it! Do it now! We can almost, but not quite, guarantee that you’ll love the entirely unknown mystery crap you’ll receive if you win!