Q: What happens to a frog that you violently beat to death with a telephone?
A: He will be reincarnated in the next life as a Bellhop.
Q: What will you end up with if you’re foolish enough to splice the DNA of a telephone with a pair of jeans?
My uncle is six-foot-six, weighs three-hundred and forty-two pounds, and obsessively calls people he doesn’t know and tells them outrageous and entirely false stories about himself — day and night; practically every day. He’s the biggest phoney I know.
Breaking Telephone News:
Man Charged with Sexual Assault after Calling Woman to Ask her on Date
Douglass Schwachkopf, a Tennessee man working as a computer repair technician, has been charged with sexual assault after asking Diana Kurva for a date. Schwachkopf had met Diana the day before he placed the phone-call while he was at her place of work repairing her office computer. The following day, Schwachkopf called Diane on her office phone and reportedly asked her if she would be “interested in maybe having dinner sometime.”
Schwachkopf, who neighbors have described as being “rather quiet and quite often significantly unshaven”, told reporters that he actually intended no harm and was merely trying to let Kurva know that he would be interested in seeing her socially, if she also shared the same interest.
Witnesses to Schwachkopf and Kurva’s brief meeting at her office acknowledged that there did appear to be some light flirting taking place between the two while Schwachkopf was tending to Kurva’s computer, but the flirting was undoubtedly no grounds for Schwachkopf to assume that it would be alright to attack Kurva by phoning her at her place of business and asking her out.
“He’s been here a number of times to fix the computers,” reported one of Kurva’s co-workers, who asked to remain anonymous, “He seemed like an ok sort of guy, really. He certainly never gave any indication that he was actually capable of doing something like this!”
Barely able to contain herself during our interview, and struggling through tears to relate her story, Kurva went on record to say that during the phone-call, Schwachkopf told her that he thought she had “beautiful eyes” and asked her if she liked seafood. Schwachkopf, Kurva reported, further informed her that he knew of “this great new seafood place that just opened downtown.”
“I’ve been on the force for more than twelve years now, and I can tell you that you never get used to seeing this kind of thing,” said Officer Kevin Pesten, who performed the arrest, “I could tell right away that this scumbag was no good. He seemed exactly like the kind of guy that might actually try to kiss her, or something, on their first date. People like Schwachkopf need locking up.”
Following the arrest, Lisa Mensoganto, Schwachkopf’s ex-girlfriend, informed the police that, during their relationship, Douglass had displayed some disturbing behavior. According to Mensoganto, Douglass would often try to “snuggle up to her” when the two were laying in bed together. Mensoganto reported that she was now dealing with feelings of guilt and regret for not coming forward sooner regarding Schwachkopf’s telling behavior If she had, she surmises, something might have been done to get Douglass the help he needed and this awful incident of him attacking Kurva by calling her to ask her on a date might never have happened.
“I guess I’m just thankful, at least, that he’s finally locked up,” said Mensoganto in a telephone interview, “it’s too late for Diana and me, but at least this wont happen to any other Women.”