The Six Million Dollar Man had a plan. You are unfit for Christmas — says the six million dollar man.
This is NOT the original:
Six Million Dollar Man Christmas Album
The Six Million Dollar Man had a plan. The Six Million Dollar Man was a T.V. show down low in the US of A. It played back in the day. Steve Austin was his name, but all the same, he was known as the Six Million Dollar Man. In 1978 — or ’round about that date — he put out an album for Christmas.
Steve Austin worked for the OSI (The Office for Scientific Intelligence) and they had a big Christmas party one year — everybody got really drunk and the Six Million Dollar Man used his bionic hearing to record Oscar Goldman (Director of the OSI) hitting on one of the young temps in the office. Oscar Goldman was married at the time, so that wasn’t too good for him. Steve Austin (a.k.a. the Six Million Dollar Man) then used the video tape of the incident to blackmail Oscar Goldman into using O.S.I funds to build and equip Steve Austin with a bionic penis. He wanted it… you know… to impress the ladies.
By the way, the Six Million Dollar Man, with all of his bionic wonder-junk, only cost six million dollars. You can tell it was 1978! Today, six billion couldn’t get you the bionic junk-in-the-trunk that Steve Austin was equipped with. Man! Those predator drones cost about four million — and they don’t make that cool “chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chi” sound when they’re fighting shit. They do fly though — which I don’t think the six million dollar man could do. So there is that.
But, you know, I had a Great Aunt that won five million in a lottery quite a number of years ago (No… she didn’t give me a penny of it. I didn’t know her very well) If it was 1978, she could have put all of that money in the bank and built up the interest over a few years, and she probably could have got all of those bionic doo-dads for herself! That’s just something cool to think about.
So, anyway… the Six Million Dollar Man… where was I? Oh, yeah! …Hey! Wait a minute! Y’know what else? The Six Million Dollar man fought Bigfoot. Did you know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah… The episode was called “The Secret of Bigfoot.” It seems that Steve Austin (the Six Million Dollar Man) had these two geologist friends and they were out placing sensors in the woods so they could detect earthquakes. But, while they’re doing it, they go missing! So, Steve Austin is pissed that his buddies are missing and he knows he’s bionic and can kick some serious ass, so he’s not afraid to go looking for them. Except that, when he goes and looks for them he finds this giant footprint near where they were supposed to have been. So, of course, he thinks Bigfoot must have taken them or something. Anyway, this is absolutely true: When I was in kindergarten, the very first lunch-box I ever had was a Six Million Dollar Man lunch box! And, I still have it too! The thing is like almost thirty-five years old. The Six Million Dollar Man sticker that was on it came off a long time ago, though. So now it just looks like a plain, blue lunch box. It’s in my hall cupboard and I use it to keep some odds and ends and small tools in. If you stick your nose right into it, it still smells a little like sour milk.